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Lunchroom Mystery
Synopsis: The CSIM team stops at nothing to find out what happened to Horatio’s corned beef sandwich!
Genre: Satire
(NOTE: If you don't know what that word means, then look it up BEFORE you read the story!)
Warnings: Adult themes, disgusting situations, bathroom humor. If you are easily offended, please don't read it. If fact even if you're not easily offended, you probably still shouldn't read it.
Horatio Caine walks into the crime lab lunchroom for an early lunch. He opens the refrigerator door and pauses for a second.
HC: What the. . . (removes sunglasses) where is it? (moves items around) Where the hell is it? (his actions start to become frantic, knocking things over. He puts his sunglasses back on, cocks his head, and puts his hands on his hips) It’s gone, and someone’s going to pay.
[roll opening credits]
The CSI team is assembled in the lunchroom.
Eric Delko: H, why don’t you just go to the deli and get another sandwich?
Calleigh Duquesne: The one on 29th has good corned beef.
Ryan Wolfe: Their cole slaw’s not bad either.
Natalia Boa Vista: I like their pickles. They’re sooo big!
RW: (to NBV) Have you ever bothered to eat one?
NBV: Shut up, Ryan.
HC: No, you don’t understand. That wasn’t just any corned beef. That beef was from special cows, lovingly hand-fed a specially prepared diet, and massaged twice a day by Thai prostitutes. And it was slathered in Dijon mustard that was air-expressed from France.
Horatio looks up to see Frank Tripp walk by the doorway, holding a half-gallon carton of rocky road ice cream and a large spoon.
HC: Frank, what are you doing?
FT: (removing the spoon from his mouth) Just havin’ a little snack, Horatio. It’s been two hours since breakfast.
HC: (shakes head) Unbelievable. (turns attention back to those in lunchroom) OK everyone, I want this room thoroughly processed. Pay particular attention to the biologicals.
CD: You mean blood?
RW: Urine?
NBV: Semen?
ED: Feces?
HC: No, I mean saliva. Whoever did this slobbered like a Pavlov’s dog.
Alexx Woods rushes into the room.
AW: (breathlessly) Horatio! A schoolbus filled with kids was run off the causeway by a maniac in a Lambo, and there’s a triple homicide on Star Island. The carnage is horrific!
HC: Alexx, my corned beef sandwich is missing. There are no other crime scenes in Miami today.
AW: (to herself as she leaves the room) What a douchebag.
NBV enters the restroom to freshen her makeup, and stands facing the mirror. She hears a strange crackling noise coming from one of the stalls.
NBV: Hello?
FT: Hello. That you, Natalia?
NBV: Frank? Oh my god! What are you doing?
FT: Just droppin’ some friends off at the lake, heh heh.
NBV: Frank, this is the ladies’ room. The LADIES’ room! Why aren’t you using the men’s room?
FT: I tried, but stupid Jesse stunk the place up so bad that it nearly burned the corneas off my eyeballs. He must’ve had chili n’ beans last night.
NBV: Well, you haven’t exactly turned this place into a rose garden. Get out of here!!
FT: Yeah, when I’m done.
Sound of rustling cellophane is heard, then crunching.
NBV: Frank, now what are you doing?
FT: Havin’ a little nibble.
NBV: Ugh! You’re on the bowl, and you’re eating? That’s disgusting!
FT: Don’t tell me you’ve never chowed down when you were doin’ your business.
NBV: Actually no, I haven’t.
FT: Whatever. (a pudgy hand clutching a bag appears from under the door of the stall) Pork rind?
NBV: NO! (to herself, leaving the room) I gotta find another job. This isn’t a crime lab, it’s an insane asylum.
[Wide shot of a CSI Hummer driving down the street]
Frank and Ryan are in the Hummer, which is speeding and swerving erratically. Frank’s behind the wheel.
RW: Frank, just where are we supposed to be going?
FT : Relax, hotshot. I’ll know it when I see it. Ah! Here we go.
RW: Frank, this is a Burger King.
[Hummer stops at the drive-thru speaker]
Voice from speaker: Welcome to Burger King. Can I take your order?
FT: Gimme two double bacon Whoppers with cheese. On second thought, make it three. And two large curly fries, and some onion rings. Oh, and a diet Coke.
RW: A diet Coke?
FT: Yeah. Gotta watch those calories.
Ryan just stares at Frank dumbfoundedly
Meanwhile back at the crime lab, NBV and CD are walking down a corridor when they are met by Jake Berkeley.
CD: Jake? What are you doing here?
JB: I just had to see you, Calleigh. I miss you!
CD: Sorry Jake, I’m afraid it’s just not going to work out.
JB: But why, Calleigh? Is it this thing on my lip?
CD: No, I’m just tired of your, er. . .shortcomings.
NBV: How did you get that thing on your lip anyway?
JB: Eric bit me.
NBV: Wow. Eric’s gay?
CD: Eric’s NOT gay, I can assure you. That boy’s packing a caveman’s club, and he knows how to use it. He’s like a Clydesdale!
NBV: (to CD) Is that why you walk bowlegged?
Calleigh smiles, and winks at NBV
JB: (groaning) I gotta go.
CD: No, wait. Tell Natalia how you really got that thing on your lip.
JB: It got caught in a zipper. Bye.
CD: No, no, no, not yet. Who’s zipper?
JB: Cal. . .
CD: Who’s zipper? Tell Natalia.
JB: One of the Mala Noche’s zipper. Now I REALLY gotta go. . .
CD: What was your lip doing near a Mala Noche zipper?
JB: I’m gonna be sick.
CD: It was there because you’re the Mala Noche’s b*tch. SAY IT!!
JB: (running away, tears streaming down his face) I’m the Mala Noche’s b*tch!
CD: (waving to him using just her pinkie) Bye, Jake!
NBV: (turns towards CD and waves her pinkie) Shortcomings?
CD: Hee. Do you think I humiliated him?
NBV: Humiliated him? Calleigh, you emasculated him!
CD: Yes, I guess I did. HAHAHAHA!! HAHA!!
NBV: HAHAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHA!!
CD: HAHA! HAHAHAHAHA!! HAHAHA!!
NBV: HAHA! HAHAHAHA(snort)HAHAHA!!
CD: HAHA!! Did you just snort? HAHAHA!!
NBV: Yeah, HAHAHAHA!!
CD: HAHAHA!! HAHAHA!! Oh crap, I just peed! HAHA!!
NBV: HAHA!! You peed? HAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!!
CD/NBV: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
CD: HAHAHA!! Hey, you want to come over tonite? I recorded Oprah.
NBV: HAHA! ok.
Suddenly, a tremendous explosion is felt in the crime lab, causing the floor to shake, two overhead fluorescent tubes to shatter, and several people to be knocked off their feet. The plate glass windows in the front of the building have huge cracks in them. HC and AW, who were near the main entrance, are dazed but realize the explosion came from the parking lot in front of the building. They stagger outside to a horribly mangled body lying 30 feet from the door. Partially digested food and gastric juice is virtually everywhere.
HC: It’s Frank! Get a gurney!
Alexx steps up to the body.
AW: It’s too late Horatio, he’s gone. (gently putting her hand on FT’s arm) You poor, bloated pumpkinhead. You ate so much that you blew up like the Hindenburg.
HC removes his sunglasses and pulls a strand of partially digested meat from a low-hanging palm frond. He cocks his head and studies it carefully.
HC: Alexx, this case is closed.
AW: What do you mean, Horatio?
HC: This is corned beef. And Frank has Dijon mustard under his fingernails. (he puts his sunglasses back on, puts his hands on his hips, and looks off into the distance, a faint smile on his lips)
[roll closing credits]
Genre: Satire
(NOTE: If you don't know what that word means, then look it up BEFORE you read the story!)
Warnings: Adult themes, disgusting situations, bathroom humor. If you are easily offended, please don't read it. If fact even if you're not easily offended, you probably still shouldn't read it.
Horatio Caine walks into the crime lab lunchroom for an early lunch. He opens the refrigerator door and pauses for a second.
HC: What the. . . (removes sunglasses) where is it? (moves items around) Where the hell is it? (his actions start to become frantic, knocking things over. He puts his sunglasses back on, cocks his head, and puts his hands on his hips) It’s gone, and someone’s going to pay.
[roll opening credits]
The CSI team is assembled in the lunchroom.
Eric Delko: H, why don’t you just go to the deli and get another sandwich?
Calleigh Duquesne: The one on 29th has good corned beef.
Ryan Wolfe: Their cole slaw’s not bad either.
Natalia Boa Vista: I like their pickles. They’re sooo big!
RW: (to NBV) Have you ever bothered to eat one?
NBV: Shut up, Ryan.
HC: No, you don’t understand. That wasn’t just any corned beef. That beef was from special cows, lovingly hand-fed a specially prepared diet, and massaged twice a day by Thai prostitutes. And it was slathered in Dijon mustard that was air-expressed from France.
Horatio looks up to see Frank Tripp walk by the doorway, holding a half-gallon carton of rocky road ice cream and a large spoon.
HC: Frank, what are you doing?
FT: (removing the spoon from his mouth) Just havin’ a little snack, Horatio. It’s been two hours since breakfast.
HC: (shakes head) Unbelievable. (turns attention back to those in lunchroom) OK everyone, I want this room thoroughly processed. Pay particular attention to the biologicals.
CD: You mean blood?
RW: Urine?
NBV: Semen?
ED: Feces?
HC: No, I mean saliva. Whoever did this slobbered like a Pavlov’s dog.
Alexx Woods rushes into the room.
AW: (breathlessly) Horatio! A schoolbus filled with kids was run off the causeway by a maniac in a Lambo, and there’s a triple homicide on Star Island. The carnage is horrific!
HC: Alexx, my corned beef sandwich is missing. There are no other crime scenes in Miami today.
AW: (to herself as she leaves the room) What a douchebag.
NBV enters the restroom to freshen her makeup, and stands facing the mirror. She hears a strange crackling noise coming from one of the stalls.
NBV: Hello?
FT: Hello. That you, Natalia?
NBV: Frank? Oh my god! What are you doing?
FT: Just droppin’ some friends off at the lake, heh heh.
NBV: Frank, this is the ladies’ room. The LADIES’ room! Why aren’t you using the men’s room?
FT: I tried, but stupid Jesse stunk the place up so bad that it nearly burned the corneas off my eyeballs. He must’ve had chili n’ beans last night.
NBV: Well, you haven’t exactly turned this place into a rose garden. Get out of here!!
FT: Yeah, when I’m done.
Sound of rustling cellophane is heard, then crunching.
NBV: Frank, now what are you doing?
FT: Havin’ a little nibble.
NBV: Ugh! You’re on the bowl, and you’re eating? That’s disgusting!
FT: Don’t tell me you’ve never chowed down when you were doin’ your business.
NBV: Actually no, I haven’t.
FT: Whatever. (a pudgy hand clutching a bag appears from under the door of the stall) Pork rind?
NBV: NO! (to herself, leaving the room) I gotta find another job. This isn’t a crime lab, it’s an insane asylum.
[Wide shot of a CSI Hummer driving down the street]
Frank and Ryan are in the Hummer, which is speeding and swerving erratically. Frank’s behind the wheel.
RW: Frank, just where are we supposed to be going?
FT : Relax, hotshot. I’ll know it when I see it. Ah! Here we go.
RW: Frank, this is a Burger King.
[Hummer stops at the drive-thru speaker]
Voice from speaker: Welcome to Burger King. Can I take your order?
FT: Gimme two double bacon Whoppers with cheese. On second thought, make it three. And two large curly fries, and some onion rings. Oh, and a diet Coke.
RW: A diet Coke?
FT: Yeah. Gotta watch those calories.
Ryan just stares at Frank dumbfoundedly
Meanwhile back at the crime lab, NBV and CD are walking down a corridor when they are met by Jake Berkeley.
CD: Jake? What are you doing here?
JB: I just had to see you, Calleigh. I miss you!
CD: Sorry Jake, I’m afraid it’s just not going to work out.
JB: But why, Calleigh? Is it this thing on my lip?
CD: No, I’m just tired of your, er. . .shortcomings.
NBV: How did you get that thing on your lip anyway?
JB: Eric bit me.
NBV: Wow. Eric’s gay?
CD: Eric’s NOT gay, I can assure you. That boy’s packing a caveman’s club, and he knows how to use it. He’s like a Clydesdale!
NBV: (to CD) Is that why you walk bowlegged?
Calleigh smiles, and winks at NBV
JB: (groaning) I gotta go.
CD: No, wait. Tell Natalia how you really got that thing on your lip.
JB: It got caught in a zipper. Bye.
CD: No, no, no, not yet. Who’s zipper?
JB: Cal. . .
CD: Who’s zipper? Tell Natalia.
JB: One of the Mala Noche’s zipper. Now I REALLY gotta go. . .
CD: What was your lip doing near a Mala Noche zipper?
JB: I’m gonna be sick.
CD: It was there because you’re the Mala Noche’s b*tch. SAY IT!!
JB: (running away, tears streaming down his face) I’m the Mala Noche’s b*tch!
CD: (waving to him using just her pinkie) Bye, Jake!
NBV: (turns towards CD and waves her pinkie) Shortcomings?
CD: Hee. Do you think I humiliated him?
NBV: Humiliated him? Calleigh, you emasculated him!
CD: Yes, I guess I did. HAHAHAHA!! HAHA!!
NBV: HAHAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHA!!
CD: HAHA! HAHAHAHAHA!! HAHAHA!!
NBV: HAHA! HAHAHAHA(snort)HAHAHA!!
CD: HAHA!! Did you just snort? HAHAHA!!
NBV: Yeah, HAHAHAHA!!
CD: HAHAHA!! HAHAHA!! Oh crap, I just peed! HAHA!!
NBV: HAHA!! You peed? HAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!!
CD/NBV: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
CD: HAHAHA!! Hey, you want to come over tonite? I recorded Oprah.
NBV: HAHA! ok.
Suddenly, a tremendous explosion is felt in the crime lab, causing the floor to shake, two overhead fluorescent tubes to shatter, and several people to be knocked off their feet. The plate glass windows in the front of the building have huge cracks in them. HC and AW, who were near the main entrance, are dazed but realize the explosion came from the parking lot in front of the building. They stagger outside to a horribly mangled body lying 30 feet from the door. Partially digested food and gastric juice is virtually everywhere.
HC: It’s Frank! Get a gurney!
Alexx steps up to the body.
AW: It’s too late Horatio, he’s gone. (gently putting her hand on FT’s arm) You poor, bloated pumpkinhead. You ate so much that you blew up like the Hindenburg.
HC removes his sunglasses and pulls a strand of partially digested meat from a low-hanging palm frond. He cocks his head and studies it carefully.
HC: Alexx, this case is closed.
AW: What do you mean, Horatio?
HC: This is corned beef. And Frank has Dijon mustard under his fingernails. (he puts his sunglasses back on, puts his hands on his hips, and looks off into the distance, a faint smile on his lips)
[roll closing credits]
kreemienewgatt |
Latest page update: made by kreemienewgatt
, Mar 5 2011, 5:29 PM EST
(about this update
About This Update
Edited by kreemienewgatt
14 words added view changes - complete history) |
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| Started By | Thread Subject | Replies | Last Post | ||
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| CSIMiamiChic4eva | ROFL (page: 1 2 3) | 51 | Jul 4 2011, 6:12 AM EDT by maui_mandy85 | ||
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Thread started: Jan 3 2011, 7:20 PM EST
Watch
THIS WAS MAKING ME LAUGH THE WHOLE TIME LOL YOU SHOULD MAKE ANOTHER ONE
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| CarusoGirl222 | WTF!?!?!?!?! (page: 1 2) | 25 | Aug 5 2010, 9:37 PM EDT by maui_mandy85 | ||
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Thread started: Jun 7 2010, 12:29 PM EDT
Watch
nevermind
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| queenlenna | WTF?!?!?!? | 1 | Jul 23 2010, 9:46 AM EDT by kreemienewgatt | ||
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Thread started: Jul 22 2010, 12:47 AM EDT
Watch
This story does not make any sense what so ever!!!! Although it did give me a chuckle, reading this was a waste of my time.
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